Training two to three times a day, resting was almost impossible, could not picture myself not training. Would wake up in the ass crack of dawn before the alarm. The only thing I could think of doing was getting on my bicycle and doing 10 - 20 laps around the lake with each lap around 2.2 km's in circumfrence. This would take an hour or two respectively. All the while maintaing a steady heart rate of 120-150 beats per minute. This shit was easy, I would sweat but never close to my limit, no where near. I never took lunch breaks in between work, eating took 20 minutes but only after a 20 minute kettlebell workout or 10 - 20 minutes of skipping. Then to finish it off an hour in the gym after work or back to the lake.
This was my normal. I was in pain and angry, you see about 5 months ago the love of my life decided the relationship was not going anywhere. I was lost, and in pain, and so fucking angry. So this was my answer to deal with the pain. I figured the more pain I put myself through the stronger I was becoming, which I was physically, but mentally it was a facade. I was trying to avoid the pain inside by putting myself through physical pain. Then one day, I decided to push myself beyond anything I had ever done. I decided to train for 8 hours straight 4 hours on the bike and 4 hours in the pool, which I did without any major problems.
But then after the 8 hours something, happened. I would love to say that I felt glorious, free of all my troubles and like a motherfucking champion! Quite the opposite really, I was broken, not physically, you see deciding every few minutes to keep going even though you don't want to, takes a toll on you. I was mentally exhausted, and as my walls came down, my emotions took over. I was overcome with sadness and grief, likes of which I have faced very few times in my life. That day was the last time I trained. I weighed around 80 kgs or ~176 pounds at 5 foot 10.
Sure I've been to the gym, to the lake after never for more than 5 days before totally giving up and not going back. That is present day, I don't weigh a whole lot more around 88 kgs, but it's mostly fat compared to mostly muscle at 80 kilos.
My grief and sadness have no more control of me, they are present for sure, but bearable. Everytime I tried to get back into training, my ego would say, this is how good you are, so you should be able to perform at this level. I was in denial, I would try and emulate my trainings before only to quit before the 5th day. I want to get back at that manaical level of training, this time for the right reasons.
It's simple, there is so much left in the fucking tank. I'm gonna get there slower, might be a year or two but I will. This is the first time I have worded this experience down and in public.
Also there is one more thing, I want to make more things, I'm a software developer, I want to create fun things. I'll write one of these a month, with some progress if any at all. Change is inevitable! You can decide what kind.
Thank you for reading.